Hey, it's me again.

    I think the last time we left off; I was angry at something. I am not angry all the time. I just think that people should be placed in sections. Like when you organize your closet by colors and season. I am not like to you. I organize my closet by shirts, pants and the hidden temple of underwear. Dude, I kid you not, I have a shit ton of underwear. Its cause every time I travel, I buy like two packets of underwear. Then when I come back from vacation, I just dumps it with the rest of the underwear. I have done this like....I guess every time I traveled out of SC. Am special.

    Anyways compartmentalize, (dude I spelled that perfectly, am proud of me) that is what am talking about. Section people off with what they are good at and keep them motivated. Motivation, I think that is what lacking now a days. I would lay in bed all day if I could but then my ass (its so fucking sensitive) would start hurting and it would ruin the whole comfy vibe. Not gonna lie but I miss my old bed. I was making kushy  to my taste (Well, the pack and mine taste) Oh and had to right in front of the tele so I can just sit my ass down and watch whatever I wanted. See I got myself 'partmentalized. I belong in my room only to come out when I fucking well please or go on vacations to see the familia.

Dad tried his best to keep me motivated. No, dad keeps me motivated. With his cute funny talks and his very important speeches. Though I kind of have weird feeling that he is going pop a new sister or brother sometimes soon. I don't know it's just a weird feeling, but I will shelve that for laters. Peace. love and Applesauce 

Wait I got a story before I go, if you know me then you know if you are close family I will end the call with an I love you. My dad was taken aback when I said it, he mumbled it back. Almost two years later, He can non shyly tell me that he loves me, and we end the call/meeting the same way 

"I LOVE YOU PA!"

"oh kay girl, I love you too"

Can my daddy be any cuter?

Questions to Ask Yourself Related to Self-Love

1. Do I believe I’m worthy of good things like love and happiness? Of course, I believe I am. I put in good out into the world and I get it back.

2. In what ways do I show love for myself? I like to buy things for myself and I like to fix my face. 

3. Do I speak up when I feel I’m not getting what I deserve? I did not in the past but recently I have.

4. How comfortable am I with saying “no” to things or people who don’t bring me joy? At this moment I am comfortable to tell anyone no.

5. Do I feel guilty if I put my needs first? I use to feel so guilty but not anyone, I have to put myself first.

6. When was the last time I felt beautiful? Smart? Or powerful? I think I felt beautiful when I was a little kid. I felt smart and powerful just last week, when I defended a group a CNAs from a loudmouth, I mean an irritating resident.

7. If someone tells me I’m not good enough, how would I respond? I have yet to hear thoughs words, but when I heard "are you stupid?" I would say nothing and let the coldwater wash over me. Then I would turn, without a word, and go to an upper management. 

8. If someone tells me I’m amazing, how would I respond? I would smile and thank them. 

9. How often do I apologize, even when it’s not my fault? A lot, its a bad mistake I know but I just can't help it.

10. How often do I take on other people’s problems as if they were my own? Not very often but when I know its ruining my day, I step in. 

11. When was the last time I told myself “good job”? When I did my last painting. 

12. How often do I spend time and energy taking care of myself versus taking care of others? I have been learning to take care of myself, every since daddy told me to think of myself for once.

Vomiting words.

 

I hate incompetent people.

Like you can see it in their mannerisms, the way the conduct themselves and even in the way they dress.

Do not get me wrong I AM STUPID, I will plainly admit it like the water is wet and sand love but cracks. But you do not see me jumping to do brain surgery. NO! Then why WHY are there incompetent people in fields that might be life, death, or even a fall to the face. STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW! DON’T RISK THE LIVES OF OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY.

Day 157 of Camp / Day 87 of shut in

Got my new television set up. Its pretty cute. 

Just found out the I have very few days of therapy, which is okay. I am walking very slowly but walking. My right leg really just wants to move, but my left leg is just dragging. The reason why is because it straight and not bending like it suppose to. 

Day 156 of Camp / Day 86 of shut in

Okay I am complaining, WHAT HAPPEN TO MY PEACE AND QUIET! 

It so noisy now, that its super ridiculous.....

Thou thinking about it, it feels like predicted the future by buying noise cancelling headphone. 

Besides that nothing new except got my noise canceling head phones and an anx cord to hook up to my computer and alexa. 

UGGG my eyes twitching at so much noise is around. 

The headphones are perfect. Makes me feel that I am only person in the world listening to music.

Day 155 of Camp / Day 85 of shut in

I can't complain. I have everything I need and more. I got a nice room, new air bed, new ac and tomorrow I am getting a new t.v. And the cherry on the cake I sent cake to my dad house by accident, and now they giving me more money. Like what the fruit is going on. I am just have to say thank you lord and continue pushing to walk.

I seriously can't complain.
Everyday I have food in the morning, then do whatever til lunch, I have the PT for an hour then once more do whatever til dinner and after dinner, to whatever. O_O can you see I have no room to complain. *Bows her head* Thank you Lord.

Day 4 of Camp

Yesterday was amazing!!! 

So my daddy and my 2nd mom from New York met and it was awesome! They shared stories and even shared lots of laughs, I loved it so much. Also my grandma came yesterday too with my brother, so it was a party!!! We have tostones, some super chunky guac and some of my dinner. I am so happy! Like legit people are coming out just for me and its amazing.

Also this morning I got a present and it was also awesome. I love getting presents even if it was late.

So today is a new day and I have a meeting, PT and also meeting with the medicaid person. I also have to follow some rules to: I NEED TO SAVE!! Like majorly and I can't be like the old jey who use to go nuts and stuff, The lady really went into my stuff and notice all my patterns and stuff. I was like super blushing and everything. I think I am going to go super early, one: to catch to see if there there is Spanish Club and two: to get my paper work done early. I am gonna be super sleepy today cause of yesterday.

AHHHHHH I am so happy.

LATERS! 

Camp Day 3

I got to be careful, apparently I got a bruise, since this bruise they have to change my bed. Last night they tried to change the bed twice and it did not work at all. But that is okay, when I hit the bed, I got freaken knocked out. Well, I got knocked out before bedtime, mostly after dinner. Your going to find this silly but I even asked for a pillow. My excuse, and I am sticking to it is because I didn't take a nap all day. So yea, they tried changing my bed and it just did not work at all, I got the same old bed, which I don't mind because again when I hit the bed, I hit it hard. Like so hard, I just had time to take off my glasses and POOF! I was out like a light or a blown out candle. Choose your own ending, hehe.

Yesterday I met a guy name Matt, he has no legs but he is getting legs to learn how to walk. Anyways he was super impressed with my wheels that he even told me that I can customize it, ALSO!! I was proven right about the stupid handle bars, he even took his off cause, like I said, it just got in the way. But yea, I think I can pick his brain about wheelchair things and try to convince him that Superman is a very good boy scout.

Today am gonna take it easy, yesterday was so filling that my body is a bit tired but I will so be going to Spanish club and also PT. Am a bit excited about it.

LATERS! 

Continuation of Day 2

I got visited by a lot of Doctors and they were really nice. I even explored the place and it looks like I made a right choice to stay here. Now I have to do some homework tomorrow and get my ducks in a row, even though there is something that really scare me but daddy said I will still have my allowance and also if I need something he will give to me.

I am very hopeful that I will be walking soon. I went to pt and the doctor is super straight forward. He explained to me things and also what may happen. Also PT is EVERYDAY! so nothing in between, I really like that a lot, its like I am in boot camp here.

OH guess what I met a very cool guy and he is in a wheelchair. He thought my chair looks awesome and he even said I can customize it soon. OH OH OH and I am excited that my sister is going to come visit me soon. I never knew that people would visit me and care for me so much. I am excited for the future. 

Camp Day 2

So I got put in a camp. At first I didn't like it, I legit turned crazy. I was in full panic and it was not cute at all. I even bought my ticket to leave and go back. But then once I got my pills and a good sleep, I was able to think properly and get a refund on my ticket. I was like "okay jey, what do you got to loose. Your in a place that is not cute but a place that help you. Also you dad worked his ass off to help you. You cant play with that chance." So I am staying and sticking it out. Also I can say I have accomplished something like using the bathroom; listening to my body when it tells me that I need to go, also making sure to go ahead of time. Another thing, I have decided to take the good with the bad. The good: I have WiFi, I can watch movies, I can play my video games and such.
The Bad: Sure this place doesn't look for me but who care the mission is to walk.
Also tomorrow is day one, so am a bit excited.

I get to finally leave the bed! Also I think staying in the bed, has done me some good, cause my feet are super less puffy.

 LATERS!

Sup...No...Back to a new beginning?....OH maybe...THIS IS THE START OF SOMETHING NEW!!! -Sings that part out-

As life give me lemons, I pick a laptop and begin to write. (Not gona lie, I picked up the pen and paper like days ago)

How many times in this hera filled life and I going to fall? I fell on my face in the bathroom, well it was the side of my face, then I fell on the floor. Then got back to tio and tias house and I fell taking out wet cloths from the machine and last time I fell Trying To Get To My Wheelchair. That is 4 times, if you count the face fall....4 TIMES in less than a month. I got lemons....

-Rants about fucking Man Child; Pants, Language, Whining, and other S#!7 about him- But yea, more lemons.

Oh this sleep thing is not cute, One moment I am fine, that next moment and I am closing my eyes holding down the same letter; Its not cute. MORE LEMONS!

But with lemons you have the sweet: I am getting to see my family, got a new laptop, getting a new walker that I use here, getting to see the little babies that are around, getting to interact with people and doing some things on my own. BOOM MINI POPPYSEED MUFFINS!!!

LATERS!!!

Thoughts of a 32 year old going to Adult day care.

So I am nervous, ever since I became disabled thoughts of just ending my life, have come to mind over and over again. I feel like am always in pain, or I am so sleepy, that the day goes WAY to fast (I really dislike that part). So with lots of research and (in my mind) bugging people on the phone and on the Internet. I have found an adult day care; that has knitting. Yes, they have other events and such but knitting is what sold me.

So last night, I went to bed, not early, don't ask me why but I went to bed. I woke up at 4 am and was like okay, half an hour and we will get things moving. I could not wait for the half-hour. My whole body was AWAKE! I wish my legs were able to move and such but I can feel that every nerve that needed to wake up 2 years ago, was waking up. My upper legs tingled, my tummy area was like O_O I HAVE AWOKEN but no we are not hungry...calm down. Anyways after my internal electrocution. I went to take a shower and now I am presentable; with my marvel shirt, big enough for two people (It to hide my tummy, I am super conscious about it); jeans and my moon boots. My hair had two white scrunchies, in which I used for my two pigtails.

Okay to answer your question about the moon boots. I can't feel a lot with my two legs and since I am in a wheelchair, I have no use for shoes. So to keep comfortable, I use my moon boots. If society says to wear shoes, I am going to go out in style! Moon boots it is. Oh, I also have robot ones too but they are big and out there....I was told that it's embarrassing to be seen with me, with them on. Anyways my moon boots are comfy and since I have some feelings under my feet, they provide a cushion from the metal footplate on my chair.

I am so nervous. My whole body is jittery but since I am writing, I am calming down, some. I am not in pain and also I am listening to Spanish music, NO! NOT REGETTON but the other kind which is love music; music that says I created a holiday of the day you left you and I will party like no tomorrow; also others of how I love and I will also celebrate our love; and ofcourse I wanna sex you up but with an upbeat tone. I love Spanish music.

I still have time before I leave. I even smell like an apple; I feel cute and I am happy with that. I guess this is done, so I am going to loom or crochet my scarfs. LATERS! 

Question one

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

In the book I wrote my perfect day, I guess I really did not understand the question. My perfect day would include a full day of activities, which would include food, all the way to the night. Since we are doing all Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, I would like to have dinner at a very cool restaurant. We would all eat family style and then have our own desserts. And that would be my perfect day.

My idea of perfect happiness...never really thought of an idea of perfect happiness. Now that I think about it, when everything is perfect and going well, I always wait for the other shoe to fall off. Always. It's like a refect I have. I believe it stems for when I was a child and I would hang with my mama. I don't know something we did that day and my mom would show me her hand. That was the sign that I was gonna get it. When we got home, she would hit me with a wooden spoon. I know it was not all the time but it just stayed in my mind.  

So my idea of happiness, well right now would be standing up from my wheelchair and walking around. Feeling no pain throughout my body and stretching super out, so out that I can touch the top of my bed to the bottom of my bed and the corners. I want the pamper hair and color its some galaxy colors; Also and my nails would not miss the action. That is my idea of happiness at the moment. It sucks being in a wheelchair and having to rely on people for everything. It makes me want to scream. And don't get me started about, that stretching part; The only stretching now a day I get is when my body spasm and it, not a cute feeling. 

Does that sound selfish of me that I made it all about me and no one else? Don't me wrong, I am most happy when I am with family and we are all together laughing, having fun. But right now, I just want to think of me mostly. 

#3000Questions

The start of Year 2.

Name: jUL137 
Age: 31
Time: 12:38 am
Date: December 25 2018

The cliff notes version of what happened: 2018

January - was told to go to the er from doc
             - he did not know what was going on with me
             - er was scary, am old lady looked like died in the waiting room
             - They gave me a full MRI and saw that I needed surgery.
             - sent me to Charlotte SC
             - Called daddy that night and told him to get to me
             - He arrived the next day; also Carla and Gabe
             - took part of the disk; 8-hour surgery
             - Lost feelings of legs, Cousin arrived
             - Days, Days later moved the right toe
             - Another surgery: Full disk and two bars
             - Released to rehab - Roger C Peace.

February - Roger C Peace Two months.
                - Got the Left Bar removed
                - Was sent to the HOME - there was a rehab - stayed 2 weeks and some.

March - Came home, got dropped, LOTS OF PAIN, Did PT and OT (OT was not needed)
            - Legs started to get so spastic
            - Visited the doc lots of times
            - Came back with the Plan to get Baclofen pump

September - PMH Injection

November - Baclofen pump
                  - Rehab for seven day

December - Came home on the 5th

- Am able to move the right Leg but the left is dead. On the right leg, my knees are so weak. I needed to put on boots to fix the 90s degree on the feet. My Left is like 180. My Right is like 100.
- I am able to stand; when I am on the bars.
- I need a new wheelchair; this wheelchair now just has a plate.

GOALS FOR THE NEW YEAR

1. Stand
2. Take a trip
3. Save money
4. Play more video games
5. Write more letters

On this day

...........So now are doing like a 24 hour thingy. Your going to see how boring my day is.

What Time is it?

 -AM-

7:50 - Rolled out of bed and made G, make me tea. He also moved the cat from my office

8:59 - I went to break early and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

10:50 - Remembered and I had my journal and began taking the time.

11:01 - thinking about lunch, this call is taking to freaken long.

11:03 - should I let them go, so they can get their information.

11:15 - finally going to lunch, I can't wait.

11:17 - Lunch!

11:41 - there goes my tummy, grrrrr….

12:13 - going back

12:20 - back in

1:16 - Duh moment.

1:37 - Rude Much, Dude.

2:51 - Blah….

3:02 - Ran out of Tea.

3:47 - It died and I rolled

3:50 - Got VTO!!! (I think cause I was doing so well)

4:15 - Should I wash dishes?

4:41 - Watching YouTube

4:45 - still at it

5:09 - I don’t know if the dog threw up or pooped in my room….I am pissed.

5:10 - cleaning it up now.

6:02 - spoke with BarkBox

6:15 - we got a new toy and a new treat

6:35 - Magicarp game

6:59 - Sleepy

7:06 - Chinese food

9:48 - Woke up from a nap

10:06 - Gabe thinks he knows me

11:35 - Should be going to bed

12:22 - Not Asleep

1:20 - 1:30 - Going to bed and Sleeping.

-PM-